For years, I felt unhappy with myself and my body, after I contracted the Epstein-Barr virus during adolescence and was bedridden for 3 months because of it. I gained a lot of weight then, partly because I had to quit ballet overnight and could barely move during that period. When I was doing better again, I did everything I could to get my old weight back and get fit again, so that I could continue with ballet. Unfortunately, that was not so simple. I couldn't manage to lose the kilos I had gained during my illness.
I was so disappointed in my body that my weight became an obsession. I felt miserable with myself and thought that once I got rid of the extra kilos, I would be happy again. It became a battle in my head. Every time I looked in the mirror, I could cry. I couldn't accept how I looked, because I felt that this was not me. I was carrying my weight around as a physical and mental burden.
Because I was so preoccupied with what I permitted and disallowed myself to eat, my relationship with food became so disturbed that it became an additional problem. I wanted to be able to be in control, but if anything happened that made me feel out of balance and miserable, I would use food for comfort. I was trapped in a vicious cycle and angry at myself for not managing to become my old self again.
After years of feeling miserable, I luckily found a wonderful homeopath who discovered that my liver was not functioning properly, as a result of my illness. Until that was treated first, I couldn't even lose weight. What a relief that was. Feeling that it was not all my own fault helped me regain positive energy. I knew that I had now arrived at the point where I could start experiencing real change.
Needless to say, I sought help with that. I learnt that I could become successful only if I could let go. The thought that I was my weight, the thought that I was not good enough, the thought that I was not worth it, and so much more. I learned that I don't have to deny myself anything (as a kind of punishment) but can choose what I allow myself to do. What I want to eat, what sport I want to do and whether I want to drink some alcohol sometimes or not. I have established a routine and discipline, taking good care of my body and mind. I stick to the 80/20 rule. So if 80% of the time I do what is good for me and my body, then 20% of the time I can choose to let go and enjoy the perks without guilt.
This is how I have managed to regain balance in my life, health and weight. And I feel so good, I wish it to anyone who wants to achieve the same. Sometimes it's a long road, with ups and downs. But as long as you don't give up and gather the right people around you, who have already achieved this themselves, then you can too.
How many times over the last few years have I heard people say something like, "It is easy for you to say, you can eat anything and you remain so slim". Then I smile politely and think to myself: You have no idea what I have gone through to get here. But that's okay.
I know what it means to rebuild my life, work hard on the goals I want to achieve and that sometimes it seems like a lonely road. But I can assure you that nothing tastes as good as enjoying delicious food without any guilt. And to have created a life where my health and well-being always come first. It was well worth that long road. And I now know who I am.
I am definitely not my weight!
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